There’s a certain kind of pain that can numb you
There’s a type of freedom that can tie you down
Sometimes the unexplained can define you
And sometimes the silence is the only sound
“Hanging by a Thread” -Nickel Creek
Do you ever feel like you could walk away from all or a part of your life and no one would even notice you’re gone? That’s how i’m starting to feel. Not about my personal life – my family and friends would notice if I just disappeared off the face of the earth, but in other ways, I really don’t think it would matter. Especially at work. I honestly feel like I could walk away tomorrow and, other than the inconvenience of no one being here to count the money early next week, no one would care at all. In the time it would take to train someone to be my replacement, I would be forgotten and life would go on. What I do doesn’t really make a difference anyway – I count the money and put the stuff other people write in the bulletin and the Oak Leaf. I guess it’s not as ‘important’ as I once thought it was.
I knew when I began this portion of my job about a year ago that it would be hard. I knew I would feel like I really didn’t have a place that I fit and that I really didn’t have a role to play anymore. I knew from the first time everyone went to lunch for admin. assistant’s day and I stayed here that this job meant I didn’t really belong with anyone or to anyone anymore. And I knew it would be hard. But, the longer I’m here, the harder it is for me to do it. I found a small role to play for awhile, but that’s not mine to play. My former coworker said a comment to me one time about how she was ‘more than a secretary.’ At the time it really bothered me because I was a secretary and so was she. I thought that was her job. But, looking at the way things are working now, I guess maybe it was more that she was just supposed to be a secretary, but that wasn’t the job. Maybe that’s why she never felt like she fit, either…she made me crazy, that’s for sure. But, right now, feeling like I do, I understand a little more of her fears and frustrations and insecurities.
I’ve taken her place.