I’ve been feeling very out of sorts lately. And I’ve also been feeling a little bit selfish. I hate that, because selfishness seems to breed discontent and jealousy and apathy…none of those being things I want to be known for or even have in my life.
I find myself often asking if this is all there is to my life or if there is more to it than this. Is this where I am supposed to work? Is this where I am supposed to live? Is this where He would have me be? I am not uncomfortable or anything such as that at my job; but there is little that inspires me on Monday morning anymore. I am happy in Bloomington, and know I have a great life, so why is there always a longing for something new? Something different? Something more? Why do I (and why do we all) not allow ourselves to be comfortable and content with the way things are going? Why do we always want to know more of the story and what is coming later? Why do we want to know the answers before we really know what questions we are asking? Why can we not focus on today instead of worrying about tomorrow…or yesterday, for that matter.
We are expecting a bunch of snow this evening through tomorrow. Should be interesting weather, to say the least….there is a strange mix of joy and melancholy that surrounds the holiday season for me; joy because of the season—because there is so much to love and rejoice and believe and experience. The melancholy comes at strange times. Not sadness, not depression, just deep thought. Today I am frustrated with little, trivial things…so much that needs to be done and no motivation to do it. Instead of tackling issues in my life head-on, I want to just ignore them and hope they go away. I am not comfortable with myself or my body. I feel like I am on the outside, looking in at the world. There is so much I want to say, but there are so few words that make any sense.
Instead of dealing with everything, I want to just scream and cry and be done with it all.
But don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy…I am just frustrated. And since there is no magic pill to make that frustration to away, I will remain as such for the time being.