There Are No Words

Do you ever feel like you have a lot to say, but when it comes time to say it, the words just aren’t there? Have you ever felt like you want to let people in so they can know what is going on in your heart, but when they ask, you still say it’s all fine? Have you ever been burdened but unsure why? That’s how i’m feeling today.

Yesterday I read a quote that has stuck with me.

“It is good to be between a ruined house of bondage and a holy promised land.”
~Leonard Cohen~

Now, I know my life takes place in that very place – between who I was and who God is calling me to be. But I’ve noticed lately that I see more of the sadness and pain in the world. A dear friend who I love is hurting because this last year has been one of the hardest of her life. I cannot do much but to let her know I’m right here, loving her as best I can.

A project I thought would be a great experience has become this thing that is full of stress, anger and animosity. I thought it would be hard for it to end, but honestly, I cannot wait at this point. Through it, friendships have been bent and broken and disallusionment has set in many hearts.

I find myself short-tempered and exhausted most days this week. I have too many irons in too many fires. I know I just have to make it through August and it will get better, but these next 10 days seem too long and too packed full to ever be over.

I am missing a weekend with my husband this weekend. We knew it was coming and a series of events that just came in the wrong order meant there was nothing that could be done about it. I know he’s okay with it and understands, but it breaks my heart that I can’t go to the wedding with him and I can’t be part of that experience. I thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for me – I wasn’t prepared for the amount of sadness I have felt this week about the whole thing.

And then there’s this Sunday. the weekend is going to be exhausting and hard enough without the realization that it is the anniversary of my dad’s death. I know it shouldn’t surprise me that it still bothers me so much, but wow, it does. Some years are worse than others. This year, I can already tell, is going to be hard. 12 years. My dad has been gone for 12 years. Wow. I think it is hitting me harder this year because I feel more distanced from that side of my family than I ever have.

So right now, I’m a jumble of emotions and feelings.

3 Comments

  1. I love you, friend. I’m sorry you are aching. While I hate that it hurts, to me there is something so beautiful that 12 years later, you still feel the pain. It speaks to your relationship. SOMEONE sent me a card this week that said “Wishing you a peaceful heart, and hoping you know how much you’re cared about…how much you’re loved.”Back atcha.

  2. I find that a nap and a hefty dose of denial get me through tough periods. I’ve not lost a parent, so I can’t begin to imagine that brand of pain. I understand that each successive year is “different” as loss is farther away and the memories tend to grow fainter, which is a scary thought. I can’t wait for you to have a stress-free week of happy fluffy clouds and cotton candy ponies! When is that planned?

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