Open Mouth. Insert Foot. This should be the theme of my life. I think it deserves a place on honor on a T-shirt I wear, a bumper sticker on Ginny, and a mug from which I drink my coffee. I have a sick tendency to not think things quite all the way through before I say them–and that can sometimes cause a whole slew of problems in my life, you know. Maybe not huge, life-changing problems, but it makes me feel bad about myself and worry about what I say and do. Last night was one of those times. The only thing worse than the open mouth, insert foot mentality I have is the I don’t know how to accept forgiveness mentality 🙂 Neither are healthy, I do believe 🙂

Have you ever had one of those days where you have so much to say you’re not sure where to begin? i’m having one of those days today. I feel kind of lost, but not in a bad way–in an “I like being lost because then I have to search to find the things to bring me out” kind of way. I guess for awhile now I’ve been walking around with this assumption that I wasn’t allowed to feel anything but happy. And, don’t get me wrong, I am happy–but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a bad day or that things can’t bother me or that things can’t make me want to cry- those are natural responses to life, right? Life is hard and it isn’t always perfect and there is always a quest for something more. I think in the bliss of falling in love and finding someone who is basically PERFECT for me, I’ve forgotten that I’m still allowed to feel and hurt and dream and wonder and wander….that he is an amazingly important part of my life and a beautiful thing that brings me so much happiness, peace, and joy, but that there are other things in life, as well. it’s all so strange. I feel like my life has been a ball of play-doh being squeezed out of that spaghetti contraption and now God is quietly molding all the pieces back together to make me whole. I didn’t know I was allowed to feel whole again. it’s a nice feeling.

Today I got a fish. A wonderful lady here at the church used it for a talk and then decided that she didn’t want it anymore, so now it’s sitting in it’s little home on my desk. Tonight I will take him home, get a ‘real’ tank for him, and let the water sit for a day before putting him in his new home. He’s a dark red beta. very cute, actually. i’m excited. i love fish. I would love to have a fish tank, but I really don’t think we need one more thing in our apartment at the moment. 🙂 Anyway, that’s the new and exciting thing for today. It’s been a very fishy week. This weekend Tim and I went to the aquarium in Newport, KY. It’s really neat and one of those things that is actually worth the money 🙂 I had a great time!!!

it’s monday morning and I have a feeling it’s going to be a great week 🙂

There is something about Friday. It’s so hard for me to get motivated, but at the same time I am so happy that the weekend is here…it’s a strange feeling, that’s for sure. Fridays at my job are always one of two things-either they are completely easy and i don’t have a lot to do or they are so jam-packed I don’t know how I will ever get everything done that needs to be done. It’s only 9:15, so i’m not sure how this one is going to turn out yet. So far things have been pretty slow…so that could be a good sign 🙂

I am fighting my first cold of the season. I do not like being sick at all, but I guess that’s just what happens when you’re up too late and you spend an entire weekend in the woods, even if you are inside. The weekend was worth it, though, just as being up late at night to spend time with Tim is worth it. Someone told me to take an insane amount of Vitamin C so I tried that this morning–we’ll see what that much Vitamin C does to the stomach lining of a person. 🙂 Should be interesting…

Can you tell I’m having a hard time forming complete sentences? we’ll see what the combo of cold medicine and vitamin C do to a person…

“I love you.”

He whispered those words to me a week ago and sent my heart racing. I never knew I could feel like this after such a short amount of time–I never knew that my heart would skip a beat when I caught a fleeting glimpse of him walking down the hall, on the way to one office or another. I never knew that hearing him say my name would cause my breath to catch in my throat and a smile to dance across my face. I never knew that an embrace could make every dark moment disappear into nothingness as we sit together, doing nothing, just enjoying being with each other.

I thought I had known love; I thought that I had understood the little things that make a relationship work, but I was wrong. Relationships require work, they have all told me. And, i’m sure they’re right. But work and being hard are too different things. This relationship is not hard, it’s amazingly easy, amazingly peaceful, amazing blessed. I’m beginning to understand now. I’m beginning to feel love in a way I never thought possible. I’m beginning to believe in the unbelievable.

“I love you.”

As of today, it has been 2 months. A short amount of time, but at the same time, a telling journey. We have spent a lot of time together and we have both felt the same kind of love. Last night he said those three little words as he dropped me off at my apartment. He looked right into my eyes, and I could see nothing but love, passion, and beauty. I’m amazed and humbled and loved by a true treasure on earth.

this says it all:

“You should see the stars tonight

How they shimmer, shine so bright

Against the black they look so white

Coming down from such a height

You should see the moon in flight

Cutting ‘cross the misty night

Softly dancing in sunshine

Reflections of its light

Reach me now

You reach me now

And how could such a thing

Shine its light on me

and make everything

Beautiful again

And you should feel the sun in spring

Coming out after a rain

suddenly all is green

sunshine on everything

I can feel it now

I feel you now

And you should hear the angels sing

All gathered ’round their King

More beautiful than you could dream

I’ve been quietly listening

You can hear ’em now

I hear them now

And how could such a King

Shine His light on me

And make everything

beautiful

And I want to shine

i want to be light

I want to tell you

it’ll be alright

Yeah, I want to shine

I want to fly

Just to tell you now

It’ll be alright

It’ll be alright, yeah

It’ll be alright

‘Cause I’ve got nothing of my own

to give to you

but this light that shines on me

Shines on you

And makes everything beautiful

Beautiful again”

David Crowder, Stars (from Illuminate)

Emmaus.

Amazing. The weekend was splendidly amazing. There just aren’t enough words to make it make sense. everyone needs to experience it-to feel the closest to God you will EVER feel this side of heaven. To understand, without a doubt, the beauty and majesty and forever grace of God. To really love and be loved. To have total strangers pay 85 bucks a piece just to wash toliets and bleach shower curtains for you for three days. To see people selflessly cook 3 meals a day for you, with nothing but smiles and love. To meet 6 people that you are instantly closer than you have let yourself be to anyone. To hear what it means to follow Christ and understand that His commands-to love and to let yourself be loved, will change the face of time. To cry out in joy…to cry the joyful tears of your entire life that are without selfish ambition. To have someone remind you that Christ is counting on you to share his message; and all you have to do in return is count on Christ. To truly understand, you have to be there. You have to experience it. Love it, cry, and be healed. And you get to see God. It’s amazing. You MUST do it.

Tonight I leave for my Emmaus weekend. I’ll admit, I have NO idea what to expect. It makes me really nervous, quite frankly, but I think it’s a good kind of nervous-a what is going to happen, I know I’m going to be blown away, and I can’t believe how big God is type of nervous. 🙂 We’ll see. I’m sure I will write about it when I get back.

In other news, I’ve started meeting with a group of people from church as part of a creativity team for our “postmodern” service, . I think it’s going to be a wonderful creative outlet and a chance for us to do some really great things to impact the 20-30 something generation that lives, learns, and works in Bloomington. We have a lot of people right here at our doorstep that are just crying out for something to believe in, and we have exactly what they need. This service is a great chance to reach those people in a way that is honest, open, and, more than anything else, God-oriented. There’s a great quote in the book “the Emerging Church” that sums up what I feel 629 can, should, and is about–

“We should be returning to a no-holds-barred approach to worship and teaching so that when we gather, there is no doubt we are in the presence of a Holy God. I believe both believers and nonbelievers in this emerging culture are hungry for this. It isn’t about clever apologetics or careful exegetical and expository preaching or great worship bands. It is about believers in Jesus falling to their knees in worship, truly taking their faith seriously, and even repenting publicly in prayer. It is about the Spirit of God as an evident participant in our midst as the Holy Scriptures are read. This is what people in this emerging culture are drawn to. We no longer have to apologize for what we do. Explain ourselves and teach clearly, yes. But apologize? No longer. Emerging generations are hungering to experience God in worship.”

Random emails to myself. I wrote this to myself about a year ago, just to have it…now I share it with you 🙂

I don’t know that this is an email that anyone will read, but it somehow

feels better to write it all out and just listen to the beautiful music

playing in my ears. It’s amazing to me how simply beautiful life can be

sometimes–how, amid the craziness and the busyness, there is a quiet

simplicity that reminds us how fragile life is, how short our time here is,

and just how much we should try and accomplish before the sun sets on an

another amazing moment in the history of God. Dark and dreary as the world

sometimes is, there is an eerie silence that comes with understanding just

how gloriously insignificant and meaningful we all are. There is a moment,

however fleeting, when we realize that all we have is this time and all we

can do is embrace the beauty of the world around us with the understanding

that when we close our eyes, all that is left is the memory.

i don’t know that we ever really understand the significance of memories

until the immediate action is gone–when we are alone, we realize how much

we need people. when we are scared, we realize how important a hug, a

touch, or a kiss really is. When we feel like we have nothing left to give,

we realize we have everything at our fingertips, we just can’t see it and

don’t really believe it.

It is at this moment when we find the strength and courage to face the

world. It is at this moment when the secret desires of our heart become the

very reasons we try and make life work. It is when we realize how much love

there is in the world that we want nothing more than to give that love to

someone else. It is when we realize we can do anything that we want to do

everything and nothing all at once. It is when we’re standing still that we

long to move. It is when we are running crazy that we seek solitude. It is

when we are scared that we find out just how much bravery is locked inside

our bones.

It is when we realize that love is all we need that we realize it’s all

we’ve ever really known.

I don’t seek to be profound; I don’t long to immortalize the legacy of my

words for all time; it is only that at some moment I realized that the

million things going on in my heart were not being addressed and that the

truth was being stifled by my fear…

thought this was appropriate for today.

“America- Chris Tomlin

Let your glory fly

If my people will humbly pray

Turn from sin and their wicked ways

I will hear them and heal their land

And show my glory and power again

Lift your eyes up

Look to the sky

The Lord is coming, coming to America

Can you feel the fire

Can you see the wind

Blowing through

Coming to America again

Go and tell them the blind will see

The lame will walk and the slave is free

Shout the news that the lost are saved

In the name of Jesus the dead are raised”

%d bloggers like this: